Exclusive Effyouandyourstupidhat Corinthian Leather Exposé

For decades we've been victimized by a dark conspiracy perpetrated by the suits on Madison Avenue in conjunction with Detroit's big wigs.I'm sure you've heard of "fine Corinthian Leather". What if I told you Corinthian Leather is a sham?

Two months ago we received an anonymous tip that Chrysler's much ballyhooed Corinthian Leather consists of low quality leather, what is known as Grade 3 Leather to those in the industry. Perhaps even more shocking is the fact that this leather is not even from Greece, let alone Corinth itself. Armed with these accusations we began an investigation of our own.

Note the sheen of Rob Halford's dynamite leather ensemble. Grade 1 baby, Grade 1.

As an investigative journalist I knew I'd have my hands full navigating the Byzantine world of the leather industry. As self proclaimed "Leather Experts" I reached out to Wilsons Leather initially.  I was met with nothing but obstruction and deceit at every turn. Beaten but not broken I then changed my tact.

After placing an ad on Craigslist looking for a former Wilsons Leather employee who'd be willing to talk shop I was contacted by a 17 year-old who informed me that his old bosses "harshed his mellow". I was also able to glean that he had no idea what Corinthian Leather was and that he now worked at the Orange Julius because he get's 10% off on everything.  This apparently "rocks hard".

At this point I had no choice but to go to the source, Corinth itself.  As it turns out leather is one of the primary exports of Corinth.  However after visiting George Papadoukilis, President of the Corinthian Leather Exporters Guild, I was informed that Chrysler is not on the books as ever having purchased leather from any of their members. In fact George told me they wouldn't want their "Fine leather" in one of those "shitboxes".

The more I researched the deeper down the rabbit hole I went.  I found that in a backroom deal that was clearly kept hush-hush from the public an Italian car company called Fiat had purchased Chrysler.  Now we all know you can't trust a thing Italians say.  They are a dirty and unreliable people if ever I saw one.  Only one step above gypsies if you ask me.

I arrived at the Turin, Italy headquarters of Fiat requesting an interview with the Presidenté of the Fiat Group.
My Italian is not too sharp but I am pretty sure when the receptionist (A DUDE NO LESS, IMAGINE THAT?) did the fingers under his chin move that meant fuck off.  Clearly they were hiding something, and it was bigger than leather. If we can't trust large corporations who can we trust?  This is a thought that wakes me up in a cold sweat at night.  How can the same large corporations that are doing such a fantastic job running our for profit prisons be dropping the ball so thoroughly when it comes to upholstery?

Were these men  truly tougher than leather or was this just another lie?

As of the time of publishing many of our advertisers, undoubtedly under mounting pressure from car industry juggernaut Chrysler, have threatened to pull their ads if we went forward with this article.  We at Effyouandyourstupidhat felt we could not in good faith continue to refer to ourselves as "The Preeminent Hat Blog In The United States" (and we're coming for you Cooliehatsiswhereitsat!) if we sat pat and let such a slight on the American people go unchecked. We may never know where Chrysler gets its fine Corinthian Leather, but we know where they aren't getting it. Corinth.

- Ike Diamonds is an investigative journalist who cut his teeth on such exposé's as What Do You Mean Crunch Berries Aren't Made From Real Berries and Cancer, The Silent Killer