A Brief History of Rapeseed Which Surprisingly Will Not Rape You

Look At All That Rape

Look on any label of Canola Oil and you're likely to see Rapeseed listed as one of the ingredients.If you're anything like me your first reaction will be something to the effect of "What the fuck!?!?!?". I mean how does one discover something and think "How can I fit the word rape into the name?".

Rapeseed was developed in a London laboratory late in the 1880's and processed for its uses as a personal lubricant.  Unfortunately while it was quite useful in this application it was developed by Sir Edward Rapeington III who felt the need to include his family name in the products he developed.  Rape Jelly and Rape Grease both hit the market to a resounding thud and Edward Rapeingham III died penniless in a mental institution in September 1903.
 

Edward Rapeingham III

It was until 1970 when an intrepid group of Canadian swingers found themselves unable to afford the more expensive KY Jelly that their interminable fornicating demanded that Rapeseed saw a renaissance.  Finding that Rapeseed futures were at an all time low they cornered the market in Rapeseed and began producing Rape Jelly at a price far lower price than KY jelly.  They started selling it for five Canadian dollars an ounce (counting for the American exchange rate this is somewhere between free and 42 million dollars American) and by 1972 had cornered the lucrative Canadian swinger market outselling KY by a 40% margin.

By the early 1990's Rape Consolidated, under the leadership of Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard, had grown to become the most lucrative business in Canada, earning thousands of Canuck Bucks a month. Depending on who you ask this made them either the richest corporation in North America or bankrupt. As last year Ronnie "The Love Bug" was thinking of moving Rap Consolidated's headquarters out of his moms basement at some point.

Rapeseed Magnate and Rape Consolidated CEO Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard

Tragically the fruits of Edward Rapeingham III's genius were not recognized until decades after his desolate end. His product branding serves as a cautionary tale to this day in marketing classes everywhere to this day.

CEO Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard declined to be interviewed for this article citing preparations for a "a meat and greet" campaign fundraiser he will be hosting next month at Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's home. Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard also insisted that all references to him include his nickname.