What's Really Going On?!

Debut: What's Really Going On?!

I'd like to thank Dr Doom, Reed Richards, Kanye West and the lady with the butch haircut for taking the time to appear in this comic.

Photographic Evidence The Terrorists Are Winning

Gives Barf Bag A New Meaning

Somewhere John Wayne is rolling in his grave, grieving for the decline of our once proud nation. Somewhere, someone said "These potato chips are fucking tasty.  Let's ruin them." This has to be the same person who convinced McDonald's to stop deep frying the apple pies right?! Maybe the anti-muse that brought us Snoop Lion?  I do believe I would punch the hippie who tried to hand me this bag right in their face.

Something like potato chips....

There are a lot of things that need improvement in America, this wasn't it. Stop "fixing" the great stuff and use your powers for destroying things to do good in the world. Just think of the amazing help you could be in crushing Al-Queda? Maybe you could take your Bizarro Midas Touch on down to the Westboro Baptist Church? For the love of god stay away from the NFL, we'll be watching flag football in no time.

A Brief History of Rapeseed Which Surprisingly Will Not Rape You

Look At All That Rape

Look on any label of Canola Oil and you're likely to see Rapeseed listed as one of the ingredients.If you're anything like me your first reaction will be something to the effect of "What the fuck!?!?!?". I mean how does one discover something and think "How can I fit the word rape into the name?".

Rapeseed was developed in a London laboratory late in the 1880's and processed for its uses as a personal lubricant.  Unfortunately while it was quite useful in this application it was developed by Sir Edward Rapeington III who felt the need to include his family name in the products he developed.  Rape Jelly and Rape Grease both hit the market to a resounding thud and Edward Rapeingham III died penniless in a mental institution in September 1903.
 

Edward Rapeingham III

It was until 1970 when an intrepid group of Canadian swingers found themselves unable to afford the more expensive KY Jelly that their interminable fornicating demanded that Rapeseed saw a renaissance.  Finding that Rapeseed futures were at an all time low they cornered the market in Rapeseed and began producing Rape Jelly at a price far lower price than KY jelly.  They started selling it for five Canadian dollars an ounce (counting for the American exchange rate this is somewhere between free and 42 million dollars American) and by 1972 had cornered the lucrative Canadian swinger market outselling KY by a 40% margin.

By the early 1990's Rape Consolidated, under the leadership of Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard, had grown to become the most lucrative business in Canada, earning thousands of Canuck Bucks a month. Depending on who you ask this made them either the richest corporation in North America or bankrupt. As last year Ronnie "The Love Bug" was thinking of moving Rap Consolidated's headquarters out of his moms basement at some point.

Rapeseed Magnate and Rape Consolidated CEO Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard

Tragically the fruits of Edward Rapeingham III's genius were not recognized until decades after his desolate end. His product branding serves as a cautionary tale to this day in marketing classes everywhere to this day.

CEO Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard declined to be interviewed for this article citing preparations for a "a meat and greet" campaign fundraiser he will be hosting next month at Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's home. Ronnie "The Love Bug" Bouchard also insisted that all references to him include his nickname.     

The Mystery Of The 2Pac Shirt

If you want to show everyone that you are down with hip hop and play by your own rules the only option is the Tupac t-shirt. But why do they all look so shitty? Can you only buy a Tupac shirt at the swap meet? Did B.I.G. with his dying breath demand that his entire portfolio be used to corner the market on shitty airbrushed t-shirt manufacturers so that the market could be flooded with these monstrosities?

Don't get me wrong there are a few options out there other than shitty airbrushed shirts that give Tupac features a definitely feminine cast with the heavy eyelids and pouty lips.  What if you want to see your idol flipping off the world because he's such a rebel?  You're in luck!

This gem is marketed as the triple threat. I hope two of the threats are to pull his pants up and put on a god damn shirt.

There we go, now everyone knows you're not fucking around. I think that might even be a joint in his hands. NAUGHTY! Clearly when I see you coming the other way I'll be crossing the street because you mean business.  I bet you don't even have life insurance you rascal! Maybe you'd like to play it down a little? Voila! It's the closeup of Tupac's face complete with backwards bandana.

"Hey, I might not be able to rap as well as Biggy but look
at my sweet bandana guys!"

We may never get to the bottom of the mystery of why all Tupac shirts look so god damn terrible.  Maybe I'll put together a shirt myself that doesn't look like I printed it on my computer at home and ironed it onto a Hanes t-shirt and make my fortune? Or maybe I'll just make a shirt with this sweet looking dude on it.

Weird Missed Connection Posts

There is nothing better than the Missed Connections on Craigslist.  There is something so touching about the fleeting touch of attraction missed and regret put to words. Actually, not really.  I just like to read how desperate other people are to make myself feel better.  I'm terrible.

Porn Store Magic

M4W - We were at the adult video store. We both reached for the last copy of Game of Crohn's. You said "Go ahead, I've already got Grey's Anal To Me." It's not often you find a fellow fan of Medieval Midget Scat Porn, I wish I'd offered at the time but maybe we can watch together?  All of my furniture is covered in plastic so anything goes.

Larceny of Love

W4M - You robbed the bank I work at earlier today.  We locked eyes when you handed me the note reading "Put all of the money in the bag or I'll blow your fucking head off."  You were subdued by security moments later and while you failed to rob our bank you stole my heart nonetheless.  When you get out of prison maybe we can do coffee?

I'm At A Loss For A Label For This One

M4W - You walked by as our LARP group was reenacting the pivotal Mines of Moria scene from Fellowship of the Ring. I was the Balrog. Your friends and you laughed and pointed at us and it was then I knew I must have you. I would die a thousand deaths on a thousand quests to take your fair hand my maiden. I would type more but my mom says its time for me to scrub her back and file her corns. Fare the well damsel of my dreams.

Please send me any great ones you find here, I'd love to post some more later.  It's springtime and love is in the air!

Exclusive Effyouandyourstupidhat Corinthian Leather Exposé

For decades we've been victimized by a dark conspiracy perpetrated by the suits on Madison Avenue in conjunction with Detroit's big wigs.I'm sure you've heard of "fine Corinthian Leather". What if I told you Corinthian Leather is a sham?

Two months ago we received an anonymous tip that Chrysler's much ballyhooed Corinthian Leather consists of low quality leather, what is known as Grade 3 Leather to those in the industry. Perhaps even more shocking is the fact that this leather is not even from Greece, let alone Corinth itself. Armed with these accusations we began an investigation of our own.

Note the sheen of Rob Halford's dynamite leather ensemble. Grade 1 baby, Grade 1.

As an investigative journalist I knew I'd have my hands full navigating the Byzantine world of the leather industry. As self proclaimed "Leather Experts" I reached out to Wilsons Leather initially.  I was met with nothing but obstruction and deceit at every turn. Beaten but not broken I then changed my tact.

After placing an ad on Craigslist looking for a former Wilsons Leather employee who'd be willing to talk shop I was contacted by a 17 year-old who informed me that his old bosses "harshed his mellow". I was also able to glean that he had no idea what Corinthian Leather was and that he now worked at the Orange Julius because he get's 10% off on everything.  This apparently "rocks hard".

At this point I had no choice but to go to the source, Corinth itself.  As it turns out leather is one of the primary exports of Corinth.  However after visiting George Papadoukilis, President of the Corinthian Leather Exporters Guild, I was informed that Chrysler is not on the books as ever having purchased leather from any of their members. In fact George told me they wouldn't want their "Fine leather" in one of those "shitboxes".

The more I researched the deeper down the rabbit hole I went.  I found that in a backroom deal that was clearly kept hush-hush from the public an Italian car company called Fiat had purchased Chrysler.  Now we all know you can't trust a thing Italians say.  They are a dirty and unreliable people if ever I saw one.  Only one step above gypsies if you ask me.

I arrived at the Turin, Italy headquarters of Fiat requesting an interview with the Presidenté of the Fiat Group.
My Italian is not too sharp but I am pretty sure when the receptionist (A DUDE NO LESS, IMAGINE THAT?) did the fingers under his chin move that meant fuck off.  Clearly they were hiding something, and it was bigger than leather. If we can't trust large corporations who can we trust?  This is a thought that wakes me up in a cold sweat at night.  How can the same large corporations that are doing such a fantastic job running our for profit prisons be dropping the ball so thoroughly when it comes to upholstery?

Were these men  truly tougher than leather or was this just another lie?

As of the time of publishing many of our advertisers, undoubtedly under mounting pressure from car industry juggernaut Chrysler, have threatened to pull their ads if we went forward with this article.  We at Effyouandyourstupidhat felt we could not in good faith continue to refer to ourselves as "The Preeminent Hat Blog In The United States" (and we're coming for you Cooliehatsiswhereitsat!) if we sat pat and let such a slight on the American people go unchecked. We may never know where Chrysler gets its fine Corinthian Leather, but we know where they aren't getting it. Corinth.

- Ike Diamonds is an investigative journalist who cut his teeth on such exposé's as What Do You Mean Crunch Berries Aren't Made From Real Berries and Cancer, The Silent Killer

To Re-CAP

This blog has been a long time coming. Well not really, I just decided to do it tonight after I realized I was going to drive everyone insane on facebook if I didn't stop talking about hats. I personally never wear hats so I feel completely confidant when I appoint myself Master of All Things Hats.  Here's a recap of my facebook posts with illustrations and whatnots to entertain:

"Whenever I see someone wearing a Patrol Cap (think Castro) I think 'what an asshole'."

Argue with me after looking at that guy. Obviously his ridiculous facial hair isn't helping his cause at all but that fucking hat makes the back of my hand itch like a pimp not getting his money on a Friday night. 

"Whenever I see someone wearing one of those hats that looks like a stuffed animal I wonder 'was your daddy physically absent in your life, or just emotionally'. If it's on a female my disdain is tempered slightly when I realize 'at least she isn't on a stripper pole'."

Note that this is NOT a child wearing this. He's got a goddam goatee.

Top hats, only ok with monocle or at the very least a fancy cane.

I imagine this is what the cover of every French rappers CD looks like. My friend Beaux did point out that Slash is exempt from this rule as he is fucking Slash and I wholeheartedly agree.

Cowboy hats, dick punches all around....

Hi. I'm the reason there are terrorists.

Safari hats, only if you are British or on safari....

Meet Nick Baker, the BRITISH SAFARI GUIDE.  This guy can wear a safari hat in the shower for all I care and probably does. I am setting the Over/Under on how many times he has had sex (not counting oral, that'll really inflate the numbers) with a safari hat on at 8.5.

Turbans and yarmulkes... Thanks again religion. Intolerance wasn't enough, now we get silly hats too.

True story, tensions are so high in the middle east when I googled "turbans and yarmulkes" I didn't find any pictures with both of them on there.  You'll note I chose the Pride collection because I want to spend the rest of my life in hiding like Salman Rushdie.


The winter hats with ear flaps and dangly pippy longstocking thingies? They get the gas face.

I included this video because no one seemed to know what the hell the Gas Face is. I mourn for for America when MC Serch lays forgotten in the 99 cent bin at the CD store at the mall that is inexplicably still in business.

The beret is a confusing hat... It makes no sense that people who wear berets are either deadly killing machines or obnoxious weasily little french guys with a shitty mustache...

This is about as jarring as a picture of Shaq and Kevin Hart side by side. How are these two guys wearing the same hat?

This is just the tip of the iceberg people, I haven't even touched on Pharrell yet. And don't get me started on how stupid hipsters have brought low the once mighty fedora. Hopefully you enjoyed my opening salvo on headwear. I'd hat to think I wasted your time!