To Re-CAP

This blog has been a long time coming. Well not really, I just decided to do it tonight after I realized I was going to drive everyone insane on facebook if I didn't stop talking about hats. I personally never wear hats so I feel completely confidant when I appoint myself Master of All Things Hats.  Here's a recap of my facebook posts with illustrations and whatnots to entertain:

"Whenever I see someone wearing a Patrol Cap (think Castro) I think 'what an asshole'."

Argue with me after looking at that guy. Obviously his ridiculous facial hair isn't helping his cause at all but that fucking hat makes the back of my hand itch like a pimp not getting his money on a Friday night. 

"Whenever I see someone wearing one of those hats that looks like a stuffed animal I wonder 'was your daddy physically absent in your life, or just emotionally'. If it's on a female my disdain is tempered slightly when I realize 'at least she isn't on a stripper pole'."

Note that this is NOT a child wearing this. He's got a goddam goatee.

Top hats, only ok with monocle or at the very least a fancy cane.

I imagine this is what the cover of every French rappers CD looks like. My friend Beaux did point out that Slash is exempt from this rule as he is fucking Slash and I wholeheartedly agree.

Cowboy hats, dick punches all around....

Hi. I'm the reason there are terrorists.

Safari hats, only if you are British or on safari....

Meet Nick Baker, the BRITISH SAFARI GUIDE.  This guy can wear a safari hat in the shower for all I care and probably does. I am setting the Over/Under on how many times he has had sex (not counting oral, that'll really inflate the numbers) with a safari hat on at 8.5.

Turbans and yarmulkes... Thanks again religion. Intolerance wasn't enough, now we get silly hats too.

True story, tensions are so high in the middle east when I googled "turbans and yarmulkes" I didn't find any pictures with both of them on there.  You'll note I chose the Pride collection because I want to spend the rest of my life in hiding like Salman Rushdie.


The winter hats with ear flaps and dangly pippy longstocking thingies? They get the gas face.

I included this video because no one seemed to know what the hell the Gas Face is. I mourn for for America when MC Serch lays forgotten in the 99 cent bin at the CD store at the mall that is inexplicably still in business.

The beret is a confusing hat... It makes no sense that people who wear berets are either deadly killing machines or obnoxious weasily little french guys with a shitty mustache...

This is about as jarring as a picture of Shaq and Kevin Hart side by side. How are these two guys wearing the same hat?

This is just the tip of the iceberg people, I haven't even touched on Pharrell yet. And don't get me started on how stupid hipsters have brought low the once mighty fedora. Hopefully you enjoyed my opening salvo on headwear. I'd hat to think I wasted your time!